Dearest Grandfather

Dear Grandfather....


I heard a song tonight that made me think of you. I know that you are always with me, so I began to talk to you. I told you that I missed you, and that I needed your help dealing with my life right now. As usual, I wasn't detailed enough. I was listening to the radio, and flipping through the stations.

As I was flipping through the stations, I heard the same song twice. It talked about a man finding a woman after getting out of a long-term relationship, and that everyone around him thought that this new person was the right person for him. I got frustrated with this, because I was trying to get you to talk to me, and to acknowledge that you are with ME. Once I flipped off the song the first time, I came to another song that makes me think of you. That's when I came back to the other one for the second time. I flipped off that one to part of a song saying "Everything feels right" and was saying that everything is going right, and when I asked you if you were trying to tell me if I'm on the right path with my life, with my religion, my relationship with Ashe, and everything I'm doing with my life, the song repeated "Everything feels right, everything's going right" and I just felt this feeling of utter contentment through my tears. I had been crying since the first song.

I miss you every day, I need you more and more every day. I wonder so often why your God took you away from us, when you were one of his good ones. You spent 50 years of your life bringing people to Him. You, yourself, always told me that if you prayed hard enough and long enough, that God will answer your prayers, and he grants your prayers. Well, I know that the only thing you ever asked Him for really seriously for yourself was that you never have to suffer the way you did when you had polio ever again. If your God answers your prayers and grants them, then WHY didn't he grant that? Especially to someone like you, who had lived such a good life, had brought so many people to Him, had taught so many good people about Him and His works, and preached about him in so many ways for SO many years?? WHY did he take YOU, the only person in this entire god damned family who ever really and truly BELIEVED IN ME away when I needed you the MOST?!?!!! When, if He truly knows ALL, He KNEW I was going to need you more in just a few years??? That I was going to need your love, your wisdom, your guidance.... YOU. Just to know that you were THERE.

I can't just pick up the phone and call you anymore. I have to meditate and send myself to the other side to contact you now, and I have to have someone else in the room with a memory good enough to remember what you want to tell me, because when I'm doing a reading for myself, I can't remember it for shit. I hear you loud and clear when you come across for my mother to read her the riot act for being the bitch that she's become in recent years, but I can't understand you when you're here for ME.

I feel abandoned, Grampa. By the only person I was ever really and truly sure accepted me for who I really and truly was, and didn't care if I changed one little bit. You didn't care if I was a slob. You didn't care if I never finished a project. You didn't care if my grades sucked, well, you did, but you didn't harp on me about it, and tell me that you "Knew I was capable of better." You just loved me because I was alive. I don't have that anymore, Grampa. I hadn't realized how much I really needed it until now, I guess.

I gotta go for now, Grampa. I gotta get kids to sleep. Mikey's starting to be a lot like you, ya know.

I love you so much, and I miss you more than words can express.

Your loving granddaughter,
Black Rose