Music for a survivor

Dearest Grandfather

Dear Grandfather....


I heard a song tonight that made me think of you. I know that you are always with me, so I began to talk to you. I told you that I missed you, and that I needed your help dealing with my life right now. As usual, I wasn't detailed enough. I was listening to the radio, and flipping through the stations.

As I was flipping through the stations, I heard the same song twice. It talked about a man finding a woman after getting out of a long-term relationship, and that everyone around him thought that this new person was the right person for him. I got frustrated with this, because I was trying to get you to talk to me, and to acknowledge that you are with ME. Once I flipped off the song the first time, I came to another song that makes me think of you. That's when I came back to the other one for the second time. I flipped off that one to part of a song saying "Everything feels right" and was saying that everything is going right, and when I asked you if you were trying to tell me if I'm on the right path with my life, with my religion, my relationship with Ashe, and everything I'm doing with my life, the song repeated "Everything feels right, everything's going right" and I just felt this feeling of utter contentment through my tears. I had been crying since the first song.

I miss you every day, I need you more and more every day. I wonder so often why your God took you away from us, when you were one of his good ones. You spent 50 years of your life bringing people to Him. You, yourself, always told me that if you prayed hard enough and long enough, that God will answer your prayers, and he grants your prayers. Well, I know that the only thing you ever asked Him for really seriously for yourself was that you never have to suffer the way you did when you had polio ever again. If your God answers your prayers and grants them, then WHY didn't he grant that? Especially to someone like you, who had lived such a good life, had brought so many people to Him, had taught so many good people about Him and His works, and preached about him in so many ways for SO many years?? WHY did he take YOU, the only person in this entire god damned family who ever really and truly BELIEVED IN ME away when I needed you the MOST?!?!!! When, if He truly knows ALL, He KNEW I was going to need you more in just a few years??? That I was going to need your love, your wisdom, your guidance.... YOU. Just to know that you were THERE.

I can't just pick up the phone and call you anymore. I have to meditate and send myself to the other side to contact you now, and I have to have someone else in the room with a memory good enough to remember what you want to tell me, because when I'm doing a reading for myself, I can't remember it for shit. I hear you loud and clear when you come across for my mother to read her the riot act for being the bitch that she's become in recent years, but I can't understand you when you're here for ME.

I feel abandoned, Grampa. By the only person I was ever really and truly sure accepted me for who I really and truly was, and didn't care if I changed one little bit. You didn't care if I was a slob. You didn't care if I never finished a project. You didn't care if my grades sucked, well, you did, but you didn't harp on me about it, and tell me that you "Knew I was capable of better." You just loved me because I was alive. I don't have that anymore, Grampa. I hadn't realized how much I really needed it until now, I guess.

I gotta go for now, Grampa. I gotta get kids to sleep. Mikey's starting to be a lot like you, ya know.

I love you so much, and I miss you more than words can express.

Your loving granddaughter,
Black Rose

Help?

*This is taken from another blog of mine. It was written 17 Aug of last year*

This one is serious. I really DO need help.

I am in trouble, and I don't know how to get myself out.

I am being abused. God, I said it. I can't take it back now, can I? I've read the Domestic Violence pamphlets, the leaflets, the sites, everything, and I keep saying to myself, "God, that describes my relationship with this person. But what can I do?" This isn't a relationship I can just walk away from. I'm honest to gooness TERRIFIED of this person. More terrified of this person than I am of any other person in my life.

These points come straight from the National Domestic Violence Hotline website... and following them are my honest answers.

Does your partner:
Embarrass you with put-downs? Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll tell you that this one is a resounding YES

Look at you or act in ways that scare you? yes

Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go? *laughs hysterically* This person is constantly threatening my poor cell phone with massive bodily harm...

Stop you from seeing your friends or family members? WHAT friends? I'm not ALLOWED friends

Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money? My money used to be directly deposited into this person's account, and I had to BEG to get any of my own money, while they spent it on whatever THEY wanted, but if *I* wanted anything, I didn't *NEED* it.

Make all of the decisions? Always has, always will, because I'm too stupid according to them.

Tell you that you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children? This is what I live in fear of, and why I haven't tried to leave.

Prevent you from working or attending school? They tell me I "couldn't handle it with my physical and mental problems" but then they turn around and tell me that I use my medical problems "as a crutch to not do things around the house"

Act like the abuse is no big deal, its your fault, or even deny doing it? Oh, god, do I even HAVE to answer this one??? EVERYTHING is MY fault!!!

Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets? No, just have NO respect for me or my property and boundaries.

Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons? no

Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you? FUCK yeah! More than once

Force you to try and drop charges? Never brought charges.

Threaten to commit suicide? no

Threaten to kill you? I wish, but no.



If you answered 'yes' to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

Now, for those of you who know me well, I'm sure you've already figured out who I'm talking about here. For those of you who don't, I'll enlighten you. I'm talking about one person in your life that you can't just walk away from, break up with, divorce, and be done with for the rest of your life. I'm talking about my mother. The woman who gave birth to me. This is how it has been all my life, as far as I can remember.Having read this, is it any suprise to any of you, that I have been in TWO abusive marraiges, both of them were at the very LEAST emotionally and VERBALLY abusive? That I have absolutely NO self-esteem whatsoever? That I suffer from chronic depression? SEVERE depression? My brother and my sons are perfect in her eyes. My daughter and I are nothing but shit and can do no right.This is why I say, I NEED HELP