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This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Must remember to write later

I am starting a new chapter in my life. I'll give more details when I'm more awake. But, I'm going to be making a lot of changes, and hope that the changes I'm making will make me more able to be a better wife and mother. And that they'll help me to be healthier in the short and long term.

Joining the "compacting mamas"

Ok, I've come across this blog online at http://compactingmamas.blogspot.com, and I've decided to join the compact. here are the rules:

Though every pledge on the Compact is different, there are a few basic rules to follow:


You don't have to be a mom to join, but many of us are moms. And you don't have to have a blog to join, but if you want me to link to your blog I will.

Don't buy new! If you exempted the purchase in your pledge, then it's exempt. Outside of that, DON'T BUY NEW. There are natural exemptions to this rule including consumables like food and personal care items as well as health and safety items.

Barter, trade, buy used or go without.
Once you've made your pledge, post it on your blog and the Compacting Mamas blog.
Save one of the buttons on the sidebar to your blog's sidebar and link the button to this blog while providing a link to your pledge beneath the button.
Post to this blog at least monthly to share your experiences, challenges, thoughts and revelations on compacting.
If, for whatever reason, you didn't keep your compact, fess up here. Use the "OOPS!" button. Remember, we're here to support one another through all the aspects of compacting.




My Pledge:

For at least the next two months, I pledge to buy nothing NEW. This does not include "new to me" items. Merely going shopping for the sake of going shopping.

I am doing this to help the environment by lowering the demand for new things to be made, as well as lowering the amount of waste created by my household. I am also doing this to help my children and myself to learn to differentiate between what we want and what we truly need. And to be completely satisfied with what we already own, instead of going out and buying new things because we're bored with what we have.

To avert the "I wants" I plan to avoid shopping websites, and stores like Target, and the mall. I will limit my shopping at WalMart to buying groceries, if I can not manage to bring myself to shop at the grocery store down the road. When I go out, I will leave my check card at home, to avoid any temptation to go shopping. I will talk to my husband about our spending habits, so as to have him help keep me on track.

Ok... my exemption are:

Shoes- I will not buy used shoes, it's just icky. They never fit quite right, and they're uncomfortable as all get out.

Underwear- I know I'm gonna need new bras soon, just gotta get the money to get them.

A Wii or a PS3- I know, I know, I know that that's a horrible thing to exempt, but it's one of those things we were planning on getting w/ the taxes, and it got put aside. I should be getting money soon, so we can get it.

Necessities- Things like cleaning supplies, and a soaking jar for my moon pads. I really need the soaking jar.

Things that I will NOT buy:
Toys
Clothes
Jewelry
Hair Stuff
Cosmetics (unless I run out, which I shouldn't for a good long while)
Junk food
Fast Food (unless we're not home, and have no other option)


I will edit this more as I think of more.

Music for a survivor

Dearest Grandfather

Dear Grandfather....


I heard a song tonight that made me think of you. I know that you are always with me, so I began to talk to you. I told you that I missed you, and that I needed your help dealing with my life right now. As usual, I wasn't detailed enough. I was listening to the radio, and flipping through the stations.

As I was flipping through the stations, I heard the same song twice. It talked about a man finding a woman after getting out of a long-term relationship, and that everyone around him thought that this new person was the right person for him. I got frustrated with this, because I was trying to get you to talk to me, and to acknowledge that you are with ME. Once I flipped off the song the first time, I came to another song that makes me think of you. That's when I came back to the other one for the second time. I flipped off that one to part of a song saying "Everything feels right" and was saying that everything is going right, and when I asked you if you were trying to tell me if I'm on the right path with my life, with my religion, my relationship with Ashe, and everything I'm doing with my life, the song repeated "Everything feels right, everything's going right" and I just felt this feeling of utter contentment through my tears. I had been crying since the first song.

I miss you every day, I need you more and more every day. I wonder so often why your God took you away from us, when you were one of his good ones. You spent 50 years of your life bringing people to Him. You, yourself, always told me that if you prayed hard enough and long enough, that God will answer your prayers, and he grants your prayers. Well, I know that the only thing you ever asked Him for really seriously for yourself was that you never have to suffer the way you did when you had polio ever again. If your God answers your prayers and grants them, then WHY didn't he grant that? Especially to someone like you, who had lived such a good life, had brought so many people to Him, had taught so many good people about Him and His works, and preached about him in so many ways for SO many years?? WHY did he take YOU, the only person in this entire god damned family who ever really and truly BELIEVED IN ME away when I needed you the MOST?!?!!! When, if He truly knows ALL, He KNEW I was going to need you more in just a few years??? That I was going to need your love, your wisdom, your guidance.... YOU. Just to know that you were THERE.

I can't just pick up the phone and call you anymore. I have to meditate and send myself to the other side to contact you now, and I have to have someone else in the room with a memory good enough to remember what you want to tell me, because when I'm doing a reading for myself, I can't remember it for shit. I hear you loud and clear when you come across for my mother to read her the riot act for being the bitch that she's become in recent years, but I can't understand you when you're here for ME.

I feel abandoned, Grampa. By the only person I was ever really and truly sure accepted me for who I really and truly was, and didn't care if I changed one little bit. You didn't care if I was a slob. You didn't care if I never finished a project. You didn't care if my grades sucked, well, you did, but you didn't harp on me about it, and tell me that you "Knew I was capable of better." You just loved me because I was alive. I don't have that anymore, Grampa. I hadn't realized how much I really needed it until now, I guess.

I gotta go for now, Grampa. I gotta get kids to sleep. Mikey's starting to be a lot like you, ya know.

I love you so much, and I miss you more than words can express.

Your loving granddaughter,
Black Rose

Help?

*This is taken from another blog of mine. It was written 17 Aug of last year*

This one is serious. I really DO need help.

I am in trouble, and I don't know how to get myself out.

I am being abused. God, I said it. I can't take it back now, can I? I've read the Domestic Violence pamphlets, the leaflets, the sites, everything, and I keep saying to myself, "God, that describes my relationship with this person. But what can I do?" This isn't a relationship I can just walk away from. I'm honest to gooness TERRIFIED of this person. More terrified of this person than I am of any other person in my life.

These points come straight from the National Domestic Violence Hotline website... and following them are my honest answers.

Does your partner:
Embarrass you with put-downs? Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll tell you that this one is a resounding YES

Look at you or act in ways that scare you? yes

Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go? *laughs hysterically* This person is constantly threatening my poor cell phone with massive bodily harm...

Stop you from seeing your friends or family members? WHAT friends? I'm not ALLOWED friends

Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money? My money used to be directly deposited into this person's account, and I had to BEG to get any of my own money, while they spent it on whatever THEY wanted, but if *I* wanted anything, I didn't *NEED* it.

Make all of the decisions? Always has, always will, because I'm too stupid according to them.

Tell you that you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children? This is what I live in fear of, and why I haven't tried to leave.

Prevent you from working or attending school? They tell me I "couldn't handle it with my physical and mental problems" but then they turn around and tell me that I use my medical problems "as a crutch to not do things around the house"

Act like the abuse is no big deal, its your fault, or even deny doing it? Oh, god, do I even HAVE to answer this one??? EVERYTHING is MY fault!!!

Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets? No, just have NO respect for me or my property and boundaries.

Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons? no

Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you? FUCK yeah! More than once

Force you to try and drop charges? Never brought charges.

Threaten to commit suicide? no

Threaten to kill you? I wish, but no.



If you answered 'yes' to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

Now, for those of you who know me well, I'm sure you've already figured out who I'm talking about here. For those of you who don't, I'll enlighten you. I'm talking about one person in your life that you can't just walk away from, break up with, divorce, and be done with for the rest of your life. I'm talking about my mother. The woman who gave birth to me. This is how it has been all my life, as far as I can remember.Having read this, is it any suprise to any of you, that I have been in TWO abusive marraiges, both of them were at the very LEAST emotionally and VERBALLY abusive? That I have absolutely NO self-esteem whatsoever? That I suffer from chronic depression? SEVERE depression? My brother and my sons are perfect in her eyes. My daughter and I are nothing but shit and can do no right.This is why I say, I NEED HELP

:) A bunch of icons I've collected... more coming

Gay rights poem

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love